Are you there, Mark? It’s me, Annie.





*Artist’s depiction of Mark hearing any of these ideas.

Let me start by saying Shark Tank is nothing but propaganda for “the American Dream,” which I do not believe in. But I do believe in Mark Cuban. So every day, I use my little brain to come up with little ideas to one day get in front of Mr. Cuban and the deal of a lifetime.

1. One of those multicolor pens, but instead of clicking and getting different colors of ink, it’s condiments. Think ketchup, mustard, sriracha—truly whatever you want, even mayo for the freaks—on your person at all times. 

2. A reality TV show where the entire premise is contestants having to survive in different decades. Ex: 1970, you literally just don’t have a cellphone and that’s kind of annoying, isn’t it?


3. Pedialyte Slurpee. No explanation needed. 

4. Biodegradable Mardi Gras beads. 

5. This next idea is for Mark’s eyes only. If you are not Mark Cuban, stop reading. Mark, listen, this business idea is just you fall in love with me and marry me and spend the rest of your life showing me what it means to be cared for. Maybe I even get to meet the Dallas Mavericks.